life is getting harder and harder. ive never felt so low. i have been sick for a month. I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world but I am miserable. I just need something to keep me going. A friend. A travelbuddy. anything. this isnt how this was supposed to be.
“I fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.”—Veronica Roth, Allegiant (via writewelldaily)
Unrequited love does not die; it’s only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before. ~ Elle Newmark
its so funny how i am always the person people go to to help mend their fragments of a relationship. “she wont talk to me. can you get her to talk to me? I dont know what i did.” Yes, i will magically fix your fucking insecure relationship. I would love nothing more than to do that.. not like sleeping… or not doing it. But of course since im not a complete asshole, i oblige. it just really sucks to know the whole “always a bridesmaid never a bride.” thats going to be me. YESSSS. AWESOME… but not. I am just sick of being the person who knows how to solve relationships. I’ve never been in a actual relationship. Never even been in love. But some how I was like named the prophet of relationships. One day I am going to have lines of couples with insecure girls and dumb guys waiting out my door for advice. Fuck international business, I should be a couples counselor. I really should start charging these people. Yeah I am your friend, but what the fuck do you do for me after I have saved your “relationship” for the 50th time. And then when I say I doubt you will last til summer. I look like the asshole. I’m sorry but you threaten to break up with your boyfriend every five seconds, but me giving my own opinion is suddenly unwanted. “But we are in love.” Bullshit. You are just scared because its your first real relationship and he is the only guy you’ve ever slept with and blah blah bullshit. Hey, I had sex. Didn’t talk to the guy after because I didn’t want to, he wasn’t as attractive the next morning. Kind of looked like Hayley Joel Osmet. hahah. Do I regret it? Not at all, I wanted to have sex so i did. But will you regret making a relationship with the asshole who is going to tell everyone you are the crazy one after you break up with him? Chances are highly likely. I’m just sick of being a good friend, but never good enough to get the guy. Ask every guy I liked in high school. I was friendzoned. Zach: friendzoned from sophomore year to senior year. John: friendzoned sophomore year. Cole: Friendzoned 8th grade to freshmen year. Ya. Thats fun. Do I have some permanent stamp on my head that says “just friends” that makes guys flock to me as their girl friend who they can talk about their sex lives with and their problems with their random hook ups getting all needy. No I don’t give a shit. This sounds so pathetic and whiney. But fuck it. I am tried of just being there. Not considered anything. I am not searching a guy out like every girl at the night club thinking “maybe if i dance with him he will be my new boyfriend?” no fuck that. I am not searching for it because I know it won’t happen if I keep chasing after it. Its about time that it chases after me. I am going to be traveling the world over the next two years. I want to find myself, my purpose. But having someone else find me wouldn’t suck. I am just sick of having to deal with other peoples problems when I have my own.
just 4 more months until i am out of here for 2 years. it couldn’t come fast enough. the same people bitching at me for the same things that i can’t change, nor care to, is getting old. these people, this place, i can’t take it anymore. i need to leave as soon as i can. february couldn’t come soon enough. and a whole secluded month in january sounds like heaven. fuck all this shit. fuck these people. fuck this school. just fuck it. I’m tired of it all.
there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t think about you. you are always in the back of my mind. i try to forget about you but i can’t. you are the closest thing I’ve ever felt to love. we weren’t ever really anything, but i still can’t help to think that i meant something to you like you did to me. maybe I’m crazy. actually that is most likely true. you probably thought nothing of me. I was just your weird friend who you hung out with occasionally. i meant as much to you as an acquaintance. we were nothing. I’m fucking crazy. i had to of made it all up in my head. if you had wanted me, you would have done something about it. you wouldn’t have strung me along for 2 years. you would have acted on it. its my own fault really. i liked you, but you never liked me. i fell for you and you just seemed to drift farther and farther apart. its sad that i thought you were my best friend, but i understand that you didn’t feel the same. my friend once told me that you said we were best friends, but he knew how much i liked you and he knew that it would make me happy to hear that. you remind me of matty mckibben on awkward. i think thats why i like the show so much. you are so sweet but so ignorant to how you make me feel. ugh i don’t know. i am nuts. my ranting and raving is entertaining to anyone who dares read this, I’m sure. god i just want to forget about you. it would make things so much easier.